Fifteen

If my senior year in high school will be put into a movie. This scene will be #iconic.

Whenever we see youngsters posting their teenage angst on social media, be it a tweet about broken heart and #walangforever or a crying selfie with hashtag masaquette, Ap (my sister) and I have always expressed our gratitude that social media wasn't this big when we were teenagers.

A friend once told me, "If Twitter was a thing back when I was 15, I'll never be able to show my face in public again!" True. I might have laughed with a lot of teenagers talking about the end of the world because their crush liked someone else, adult-ing really hard whenever I see sixteen year olds stating they're old enough to understand life, and preaching how these kids are basically still babies. I keep forgetting the fact that, once in my life, I was in their shoes.


I was fifteen when I started my last year in high school. It's like, everything's new. New location for my school, new building, new uniform. It's also the year I was brave enough to let my hair down. I have the wavy, frizzy hair which curls at the tip, and for years I've hated it and tied it in a pony tail. I still hated my hair in senior year but I figured it's my last year in high school, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try something new. Those were the days wearing makeups for high school girls were considered a 'crime'. That red lipsticks and perfect brows weren't the trend but baby powders, lip glosses and yep, straight, newly rebonded hair (I blamed Rejoice's Rebond commercial for this haha! Mama didn't allow me to have mine treated and straightened out like most of the girls in my school because 1. we couldn't afford it and 2. It wasn't necessary. It was to me, back then. See, teenage angst already haha!)

I was fifteen, too tall compared to the other girls, with the untamed, definitely not straight hair, not skinny, not pretty. I know it's silly to put yourself down, that you're not bad as much as you make it sound like. That it's all in your head, really. But I didn't know that at 15.


Facebook and Twitter weren't around for me to vent out my problems when I was 15 (THANK YOU PO LORD! hahaha!) but luckily for me and eleven of my girl friends, we had the Sweet Sizzle Book.

Ten years old diary with rants, vents, kilig moments and overall teenage shenanigans of 12 high school girls.

It's a diary inspired by Mean Girls' Burn Book but instead of shitty things written about girls our year, it was more of a diary filled with, well, more teenage angst! Haha! My high school barkada was a big group consisted of twelve girls (which grew into fifteen or sixteen girls I think for the second book, yes we had a second book when this one was full haha) And we filled this book with secrets, thoughts, emotions, in one of my friends' word "kagagahan" we had back then.

I was the first one who wrote in this book (perks of being the person assigned to make the actual book and I know, I know! I have never been the artistic type, haha!) There are a lot of funny anecdotes: ramblings and outbursts appearing between my entries, like a sudden idea popping in my head as I was writing something else. There was even a time I was writing while we're having lessons and I wrote about how our teacher kept on walking over where my seat was that I had to stop writing or I'd get caught haha! Just random posts about the day, about our lessons or the hottest gossip at that time. But in all of my entries, there was that one topic I'd never ever not mention.

It's about a boy. Hehe.

I read everything there was to it about how I felt for this boy back then. I was fifteen, self conscious, awkward, desperately wanting to be wanted and thinking I was in love. I keep face-palming now, laughing as I read my entries, feeling that constant urge to punch myself on how embarrassing I have been. There were the never ending rants on how he would never notice me, how I thought he looked at me a little longer that one time but then an eventual follow up that I was probably just reading his actions too much. There was that incessant self-loathing because I couldn't get over him and those very bitter posts when I found out he got a new girlfriend (grabe! haha!) Then there was the biggest heartbreak that was prom, where 15 year old me, all prim and pretty for this special night, waited for a moment in the dance floor with him. But it didn't come. Because he never asked. Bwisit. Haha!

I hated him so much for that. It was written in CAPITAL LETTERS WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! Hahaha! It wasn't his fault. But I didn't care about that when I was 15.

I never got the chance to tell him about my feelings. That one time I was confident enough to confess, he wasn't around. There's an entry on how I thought it was Fate's way of telling me it wasn't the time or that I shouldn't say it after all. I don't actually remember my entries for the second book but I have that inkling feeling those would still have him in them, no matter how much I've said Goodbye in my few last posts in this one I have. I do remember graduation though, on how I don't really have any recollection of seeing him that day, on how I decided that this was it, this was the real "Goodbye". I would leave this school along with the memories of him.

I remember not being successful for several weeks, hahahaha!

I was fifteen. I got great high school memories because of my friends, classmates, teachers, people I met, things I learnt. I was an honor student. I passed my college entrance exam. There were more laughter than there were tears. But those didn't matter too much because I was, at one point, heartbroken. I'm laughing about it now, because everything turned out alright. But I didn't know that back then. I didn't know it at fifteen.

Got three page-post about a boy lol

Right now, I am twenty-five :)

And there are a lot of things I want to tell my fifteen year old self.

First, you are beautiful, never let anyone tell you otherwise! Even yourself! Your mom tells you this all the time, right? Trust her, learn from her, she knows a lot of things you don't :)

You hate your hair, and I still do too. Sometimes, haha! But you know what? There'll come a time these girls straightening their hair out would want a hair likes yours. Well, probably not as frizzy haha but the point is... straight hair isn't the definition of beautiful, nor is fair skin or being thin. You'll grow to be a pretty, confident girl with a height that towers among the little ones, haha! Chin up! Don't slouch down trying to be small, trying to fit in, trying to be wanted. There'll be people who are going to love you for you, even if you're still self conscious and awkward. They're going to laugh with your silliness and cry with your pain, they'll grow with you and lift you up :)

What you're feeling right now, with this boy, that's alright. It's valid and don't be ashamed of it. I might have mentioned how stupid I think you are, and there were instances I wanted to punch you haha! But it's alright (I'm not going to punch you haha) It didn't end up like how you imagine it, and there were tears involved, but you're happy right? Those days you walk passed him and his friends in the corridor or when he asked you if you're going home (I know this baffles you and I'm sorry I never really find out about it haha!) Those made your days right? I know it hurts and you hate yourself so much and you probably even won't believe this, but everything's going to be alright :) You'll lose people and meet new ones, other boys that would make your heart thud like he did, will give you sleepless nights and endless giggles. They would hurt you too, but you're going to come out stronger, braver and smarter than before.

And lastly, I would want to give you a hug. Because I knew you wanted one, but you were too shy and too scared to ask.


I still laugh and find it silly when I see teenage angst in social media. I still do believe they should focus on school first. I was once in your shoes, rolling my eyes whenever an adult tells me I should study, but trust me YOU REALLY HAVE TO STUDY HARD. Dream big dreams. In ten years, I promise you, it wouldn't matter if your crush held hands with this person in the other section. They probably won't even matter at all. But you know who still does? You. You're still you. A grown, more experienced, more knowledgeable version of you. Aim for someone that would look back at this time with a smile on their faces. Because we might have been silly and stupid once, (is probably still silly and stupid in another level haha!) but we learn to be brave and confident and proud :)

"In your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy of the football team

But I didn't know it at fifteen.

When all you wanted was to be wanted

Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday

But I realized some bigger dreams of mine." 

- Taylor Swift, Fifteen