2015: Of Tattooed Boybanders, Making Moments, Quarter Life Crisis, Self Love and Finding My Way Back

The nine most-liked pictures of my Instagram generated by 2015bestnine.com

It's already 2016 and I should've made this post basically two days ago but there's just so little free
time I have nowadays and most of it I spent sleeping lol Anyway, there were things that happened in 2015 I am very much grateful for that I couldn't just not post anything about it. So here's my review of the past 365 days I dubbed as the Year of Hating and Loving Myself All Over Again.


I feel like there's so little to say but at the same time there's too many that I don't know where to start. So I stole this idea from April haha! It pretty much summarizes what the year has been for me, through the photos I posted in Instagram and I'll just sneak in bits of the things I want to mention here and there. (Make one of your own at 2015bestnine.com)

1. A sweater from Penshoppe that perfectly signifies everything I went through in 2015 because of an effing boyband lol. In late 2014, I became a fan of the biggest boyband in the world One Direction and I swear being a fan of these boys have been so stressful lol! Being a fan girl is not a new thing for me. I've been a dedicated fan of various celebrities, shows, books, cartoons but nothing wrecked me like One Direction did, hahaha! I know it sounds crazy and people would think I'm insane but there are just certain things only fellow fans would understand. Anyho, I attended OTRA Manila, the only concert I attended this year in fact and although they pretty much ruin my sanity, I can't just really let it go. Something about them just got me so hooked, whether it's Harry Styles' heart of gold (and boots to match! hehe) Liam Payne's puppy eyes, Louis Tomlinson's radiant or Niall Horan in general, I'd probably be with this band no matter how much they disappoint me (as they were doing at the moment God damn it boys it's January 2) I also gained friends! Which is always something so cool that comes with being in a fandom.

2. The Dilasag, Aurora trip! Probably the best trip I've been to since Palawan in 2010. I've been meaning to make a post about my trip there with my family last April because I just feel like a mention just won't do the experience and the place itself justice. I plan on doing just that if I could just find the time to do so, haha! It was three days well spent together with the whole fam and friends and I'm really looking forward on coming back.

3. This picture is taken in Santorini, a restaurant near UST, way back in March. For me it stands for two things, a glimpse of my now wavering Korean obsession and the end of perhaps one of the most toxic times of my life: My first job.

I resigned from my job on February 28, and on the following week I took a twelve-day lesson on AutoCAD in Manila. The training center is situated near FEU and during those times Ap was taking her review classes for her board exam around the same area. I stayed with her and her friends in her boarding house and since Santorini's near their place, we took a visit. It's a restaurant that offers Korean cuisine, with pictures and posters of Kpop artists taped on the walls and Kpop performances played on the TV, It's heaven for kpop fans, with dedications and letters allowed to be taped on its walls and pretty good korean food. I've been a kpop fan for five years and I can say that I'm not as much of a fan as I used to be. Although Super Junior will always hold a special place in my heart, nowadays I only really care about Donghae and Hyukjae, which both very special to me as they are my forever favorites in the band. I always knew at some point that my dedication and passion as a fan would waver, just like it did for all the celebrities and shows I've loved before. Nevertheless, Super Junior and Kpop will always be a part of me as they, in a way, helped built what I am today. I would never go back and rekindle my love for writing if it ain't for them and I'll eternally be grateful because they're there when I couldn't find a reason to smile about.

The second one, and I think one of the important things that happened to me this year was when I left my first job. I was with my previous company for three and a half years and although the workload was never heavy and everything's familiar and convenient, it stressed me out and felt toxic. Maybe because I realized I wasn't growing and that I felt the need to meet new people and learn new things. I've been doing the exact same things for years and although there were rooms for advancement, I just don't feel like that was the road I wanted to take, that it was the job I wanted to be working on for a long time. So I quit, and damn did it feel relieving. I felt like I could breathe again, not feeling so tired everyday even though I've done nothing. I felt free and happy for the first time in months and I get to learn that sometimes, you just really need to forget all the buts and ifs and save yourself from the things that don't make you feel good. I lost my job, but I got a piece of myself back :)


4. 25th! I spent my 25th birthday with my family (minus Kuya) and a few neighbors from home at Kamay Ni Hesus in Quezon. It was a peaceful and kind of soul-search thingy for a halfway through 50 celebration but I couldn't really asked for anything else. It was raining for the majority of the day and the hundreds steps to the top of the mountain were a little exhausting but the view, the feat and contentment I felt when I reached the top made it all worth it. I also got a private message from a former friend which made me tear up a little because yeah we were so childish (mostly me lol) back then but at least we've grown enough to let bygones be bygones. Now we're friends again and I think it's one of the best birthday presents I've ever received.

5. Just one of the many moments shared with fam and friends! Always one of my favorite things, hoping for more in 2016 where I get to treat my parents on fancier things like a trip out of town. It won't make up for all the things they've done for me, and it's not like they're asking for anything in return, but it's always nice to give something back to people who genuinely wants the best for you and makes you happy ♡

6. Because I'm very much endeared with the beautiful human that is Harry Styles. All the love, H x I could've included this with Photo no. 1 but since this is a part of my best nine, I figured that curly lad with deep dimples and four nipples (HAHAHA) and the things I learnt ever since falling in love with him and his band deserve a special mention of their own. For a 21 year old, young Harry Edward Styles has been an achiever. He's doing what he loves: writing songs, selling records, touring stadiums all over the world with his best friends. Apart from that he had encourage a good portion of his fandom that has often been bullied by society and fellow fans: the LGBTQA+ ones.

I was jobless for six months and when I wasn't travelling with my family and going into another episode of self loathing, I'm most probably on Tumblr raving about One Direction. Their fandom is very different from the ones I had. They have different sections, one of which a very active supporters of LGBTQA+ community and following them helped me understood that there's more to it than being gay or shipping two males together. That genders aren't restricted with male, female, gay or bisexual. That the world is still very twisted and people are still fighting for equality. That feminism is important. This year has opened my mind to a lot of things and I know there are a lot of things I'm yet to learn. Life is a never ending discovery, and I'm excited on what's coming for me.

7. A picture of my parents as they're walking, hand in hand, with the perfect view of the rising sun as their background. I'm, still, loveless (in terms of relationship status) in 2015 and although there are moments I get really bitter about it, I'm very thankful to find inspiration and hope on true love in them. It's not that I'm being a pessimist but I'm looking on the possibility that I might never find a love like this but I'm happy at least I get to witness theirs. It isn't perfect, they still fight over the pettiest reasons, Mama refused to talk to Papa sometimes and Papa once cancelled a trip because Mama took so long. But they still smiled on pictures of each other, Mama misses Papa when he's practically like fifty steps away from her and they still go on little dates and short strolls. Thirty two years and still like this. They're not perfect, but it's close enough.

8. A picture of sunrise one morning we're out for a jog. I'm a bit amazed with the significance of this photo to what's happening with my life right now. I've been jobless for six months, and those have been hard times. I felt worthless, I felt ugly. I shut people out because I don't want to tell them there's basically nothing going on with my life, aside from the continuous self-loathing and depression. I don't know what I want to do, I kept delaying job applications in the fear of getting rejected over again. I avoided even my parents because I hate to disappoint them all over again every time they asked what my plans were and I couldn't give them any. I didn't reply to my friends whenever they wanted to meet. I literally pushed people out, ran away from my problems, from the world. But then, one day, I got tired of being tired, of being sad and getting people to chase after me. That's why I even changed my username chasingu (Chasing Uli). No more running away :)

I have a new job, one that I'm enjoying very much. It's far from what I did in college but it's close to what I love. It involves writing and celebrities, TV shows, movies and entertainment in general. The pay's good, my boss and teammates are even better and I don't feel like working. I love the rush of it, the pressure that comes with meeting deadlines and I get the thirst to strive harder and be the best at it. I get to give something back to my parents too, get to buy clothes that I like, get to feel pretty and savage all over again. It's a new beginning. A new day :)

9. A picture of pink flowers I found on the way home after a morning jog. The caption that went with it was: "A flower doesn't compare itself to the one next to it. It just blooms." It came late but it's great when I decided to love myself more. I've always had, always think things in the positive light no matter how hard it seems. It's just that those six months have been hard, and harsh in a way, that I forget to treat myself like a queen, because hey who would if I didn't? Haha! I stopped comparing myself with other's lives as they're living a very different one.  I also stopped comparing the me now to the one I was before and started aiming for the best version of me that I can be. It's a long shot, and for sure  there are certain circumstances that would shake my confidence and self-assurance but I'm certain I'd be able to get back up. Because yeah maybe now I'm still a bud, but there comes a day I'll be in my full bloom and slay everyone (nux hehe)



There are things I'm leaving as 2015 close, as well as things I'm bringing with me as I face 2016. My new year's resolutions include taking more selfies and not apologizing for posting it, not apologizing in general for loving the things I love, make more memories with people who matters,  start looking after my health (I'm now considered in my late 20s CAN YOU BELIEB IT i can't,) blog more (hopefully!!)start working on The Novel (which I'll divulge more in the future.) Take pictures! Go to concerts! Sing at the top of my lungs! Dance even if there are people watching! And maybe kiss someone? Aha! Hehehe

I won't say for this year to be good to me, because I know there'll be moments I won't like, it's inevitable. So instead I say bring it on! Because I'm coming for you 2016, you better be ready 'cause I'm buzzin' about it ;)